Bernie “What’s the deal with black people” Sanders
Lore: Bernie Sanders is the world’s most popular human over the age of 70, due to his inexplicable ability as a politican to say things that make sense to people younger than 30. Ever the master of fighting for, but never being a leader of, progressive values means that he’ll always be a frontrunner to the most recent generation of people who suffocate under a mountain of student debt. His ability to highlight the problems in America while also displaying a staggeringly clueless grasp of the causes of those problems means he’ll also lose again.
Special Ability: “Mask Voice.” Once per news cycle, Bernie can change his tone so that in a single sound bite he can be misconstrued as both a communist and “just like Trump.” Bernie rolls a +6 Bluff check and everyone else rolls for Perception.
Hillary “REEEEEE” Clinton
Lore: Hillary first got her start running a small dungeon for child sex slaves in Arkansas in the late 80s before getting the brilliant idea to open up a chain of pizza restaurants, launching her into international politics, where she routinely sells poor kids to the highest bidder and personally murders American soldiers in Benghazi. Worst of all, she once used e-mail on an unsecured private network. Most recently she was accused of some similarly baseless and outrageous crime that we’ll think of when she runs again in 2020. However, she remains surprisingly popular to voters whose only other option is an overweight toupee-wearing Himmler wannabe with a second-grader’s grasp on science, math, and spelling. Nevertheless, she’s the most qualified candidate, and as we all know, Americans are really looking at presidential candidates’ qualifications when they’re in the ballot box.
Special Ability: “Gold Magnet.” Once per day, Hillary can make a speech so thrilling it will convince any big banker, oil conglomerate, or Super PAC to hand over all their money. However, it only works if no other party member can hear the speech.
Joe “Uncle Touchy” Biden
Lore: Wait, who?
Special Ability: “Power of Association.” Passive ability. Biden’s stats are those of one person of his choosing within a 100-yard radius. For instance, he can use this to make people forget he once referred to a black man as surprisingly “articulate” when working in the same office for eight years as said more intelligent, charismatic, and less inappropriate touchy black man.