Campaign 2020: Much Rejoicing

They’re dropping like flies

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Another champion has bowed out of the running. Bill de Blasio, ruler of the largest city in the great land of M’urrica, has decided to take his name out of consideration. “My fellow M’urricans,” he announced with a single tear in his eye, “I may be gone, but I won’t be forgotten. I promise you that even though I no longer have any delusion that I’m a popular person, I still remain committed to our campaign to overthrow the Demon King. So I pledge to continue to support our process of choosing a champion by single-mindedly attacking every single other candidate and throwing them under the bus at each opportunity because they aren’t as progressive as me, an extremely disliked mayor of a progressive city. I promise to relentlessly mock Joe Biden, the frontrunner, for not being a good enough champion to defeat the Demon King and I promise to look very surprised when my comments damage the reputations of my much, much, much more well-loved comrades. Thank you.”

As he left the arena, a brave soul began to clap very slowly but loudly and forcefully. No one else joined in. That clapper? Mike Gravel. Blasio headed outside where he found a carriage prepared by the crowd waiting to take him home. A representative of the M’urrican people took to the arena to give a prepared farewell speech. Here it is, printed in it’s entirety:

“Bye.”


Champions Roster

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