Campaign 2020: A Reason to Celebrate

Freaking Finally

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One fateful Friday morning, the grand miser and Man of Means Howard Schultz took to the center of the arena and declared he would be withdrawing his name from consideration for champion. The whole area immediately burst into thunderous applause.

Howard Schultz will return to his humble 6,000,000 Gil mansion where he continues to run a worldwide company and pay his employees the bare minimum of what he can get away with.

On Saturday, the country of M’urrica drafted a formal speech of farewell to Schultz. Here it is, printed in its entirety:

“Bye.”


Champion Roster

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