Campaign 2020: The Party Is Too Big

The Demon King

has reigned in the far off land of M’urrica’a for years. Under his rule, the poor and weak suffer unimaginable cruelties. But it is said that from the people a hero will rise. Now, seemingly thousands of people have risen, each one claiming to be that hero. Who will it be? Probably one of these characters:


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“Bad Touch” Joe Biden

STR: 7
AGL: 6
CON: 11
INT: 11
WIS: 7
CHA: 11

Class: Wizard
Alignment: Lawful Evil

Old Joe Biden hearkens from the old days and served as the second in command to the Great King Ba’racque Obama of the past. So when he threw his hat in the ring as a potential challenger to the Demon King’s rule, he was instantly met with the cheers of older M’urricans, all of whom were - if we’re being honest here - probably just remembering how much they liked Obama. Biden himself is hoping that people will associate him with the Great King instead of with his own failed attempts to lead.


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Bernie “Hindsight is 2020” Sanders

STR: 6
AGL: 7
CON: 9
INT: 9
WIS: 6
CHA: 16

Class: Bard
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

After the Great King Obama left for lands unknown, he left his throne unoccupied. Bernie Sanders was one of those who vied for that throne, and despite his popularity among the younger M’urricans, he was defeated because he was sadly unpopular with literally every single other person in the country. Compared to the Great King Obama he wasn’t that impressive, but he’s hoping now that he can compare especially favorably to the Demon King.


Kamala Harris “The Unstoppable”

STR: 16
AGL: 9
CON: 11
INT: 13
WIS: 11
CHA: 10

Class: Paladin
Alignment: Lawful Good

Harris made her name by being the most Paladin of the Paladins. When it came to interrogating evildoers, none were able to withstand the inquisition. She has a commanding presence that makes people glad to follow, but not too close because she’s also kinda scary.

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Everyone’s Mom, Elizabeth Warren

STR: 12
AGL: 9
CON: 11
INT: 12
WIS: 14
CHA: 15

Class: Warlock
Alignment: Neutral Good

For years, the M’urricans thought that Warren was an over-educated shut-in, scribbling furious notes in her magic books that no one will see. But it turns out she was just preparing. Whereas most other competitors for the throne are still in the phase of campaigning on their personalities and moral positions, Warren’s out here with literal volumes of written ideas on how exactly to make M’urrica a great kingdom once again. Her only disadvantage is that M’urricans don’t like women.


Beto “Robert Francis” O’Rourke

STR: 11
AGL: 12
CON: 11
INT: 8
WIS: 11
CHA: 13

Class: Bard
Alignment: Lawful Neutral

Ever since being given the nickname “Beto” for some reason which is probably very fascinating, O’Rourke has been living by the motto of “okay so we’ve all got good political opinions but what if a good-looking white guy said it?” He had his big surge of popularity when he faced the most unpopular king of his homeland and lost. Now he hopes to become even more popular by losing this contest too.

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Cory Booker

STR: 13
AGL: 13
CON: 11
INT: 9
WIS: 11
CHA: 10

Class: Ranger
Alignment: True Neutral

“Can’t we all just get along!” reads the sign Booker carries to every meeting with the other challengers. That is all we know.


Pete “Surprise Symphony” Buttigieg

STR: 6
AGL: 15
CON: 7
INT: 18
WIS: 8
CHA: 14

Class: Rogue
Alignment: Neutral Good

Though many vie for the chance of dethroning the Demon King, available slots in the party are few. But just when it seemed all the top contenders had been chosen, this guy shows up out of nowhere. He seems like a capable fighter and leader, though so far the fight we’ve seen from him comes from Buttigieg defending himself against the weakest of the weak, the online trolls. Hopefully he has what it takes to defeat stronger foes.

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“Dom” Amy Klobuchar

STR: 17
AGL: 12
CON: 16
INT: 10
WIS: 7
CHA: 5

Class: Barbarian
Alignment: Lawful Neutral

As frightening to her allies as she is to her enemies, Klobuchar brings a much needed air to the party. Specifically, the air of being extremely tough to her underlings. However, some say she isn’t as unreasonably demanding to her subordinates as her enemies claim. If she were a man, they say, her behavior would be seen as an asset. Can Klobuchar pull it off? We’ll see.


Julian “I Forgot He Was Running” Castro

STR: 10
AGL: 13
CON: 9
INT: 14
WIS: 12
CHA: 8

Class: Rogue
Alignment: Neutral Good

Okay, listen. There are just a lot of great people trying to get into the hero party here and there are only so many seats. There’s going to be good people who don’t make it. Not saying Castro’s definitely not making it, but come on, do I have to be impartial about all of them?

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Kirsten “Kristen” Gillibrand

STR: 13
AGL: 10
CON: 9
INT: 9
WIS: 12
CHA: 9

Class: Blood Hunter
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

For the first time in M’urrican history, the hero party is full of aspiring, confident, capable, intelligent, authoritative women. Yet somehow Gillibrand’s name ends up at the end of all these lists. If she wants her claim to the throne to be taken seriously, she’ll need to find a way to put her name ahead of the others.


John “I Might Have Made This One Up” Hickenlooper

STR: 8
AGL: 11
CON: 10
INT: 9
WIS: 12
CHA: 10

Class: Monk
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Okay, I had to Google this guy. Sorry, I don’t live in the place he represents, all right? I had to know whether he was a serious contender or another troll. After an exhaustive five minute online search, I am still unsure.

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Designated Troll Account, Andrew Yang

STR: 7
AGL: 16
CON: 9
INT: 8
WIS: 7
CHA: 13

Class: Bard
Alignment: Chaotic Evil

We’re pretty sure this guy is lost. He’s probably looking to lead the Left-Libertarian coalition, where he’d fit right in. Unfortunately, he’s trying to win the support of the DM Pelosi, who is not really keen on outsiders.


Tusli “Privet, Comrade” Gabbard

STR: 11
AGL: 14
CON: 12
INT: 7
WIS: 8
CHA: 7

Class: Fighter
Alignment: Neutral Evil

Are we absolutely sure she’s not actually working for the Demon King in some way?

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John Delaney

STR: 10
AGL: 10
CON: 10
INT: 10
WIS: 10
CHA: 10

Class: Fighter
Alignment: True Neutral

[insert bio here]


Jay Inslee, King of the Forest

STR: 9
AGL: 9
CON: 8
INT: 11
WIS: 13
CHA: 10

Class: Druid
Alignment: True Neutral

Even long before the Demon King took over M’urrica, the land was slowly falling into disrepair, the once beautiful trees being replaced with dirty machines spilling black smoke into the air, blocking out the sun and suffocating our families. Who will speak for the trees? Who will speak for the birds of the air or the fish in the sea? Apparently this guy will.

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Tim “I Bet You Hadn’t Even Heard Of Him” Ryan

STR: 11
AGL: 9
CON: 12
INT: 10
WIS: 9
CHA: 9

Class: Fighter
Alignment: True Neutral

Literally who?


Madame Marianne Williamson

STR: 6
AGL: 8
CON: 6
INT: 15
WIS: 13
CHA: 10

Class: Artificer
Alignment: Neutral Evil

Remember when “New Age” philosophy was a staple of liberal thought? I don’t. I think that was just something the Demon King’s followers made up. Well, Marianne Williamson isn’t one to let any of that deter her from deciding her background and opinions will fit right into the campaign against the Demon King. Good luck, Williamson. You’re going to need it against the bevy of much more capable women in your way.

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Eric “Actually Pretty Good at Twitter” Swalwell

STR: 9
AGL: 11
CON: 12
INT: 9
WIS: 9
CHA: 11

Class: Sorcerer
Alignment: Lawful Good

We’re not sure he joined the party because he actually wants to roleplay with the rest of us. The rumor is that he’s just trying to make sure we all know who he is so when he DMs his own game later we’ll join his team.


Stacey “We’re Saying She’s Running Until She Officially Says She Isn’t” Abrams

STR: 13
AGL: 7
CON: 16
INT: 10
WIS: 11
CHA: 9

Class: Fighter
Alignment: Lawful Good

As every day goes by, it becomes more likely she has no interest in joining the hero party. Still, we’ll keep this seat open.

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Dervish “The Model” MacCrowden

STR: 11
AGL: 14
CON: 5
INT: 6
WIS: 10
CHA: 19

Class: Bard
Alignment: Neutral Evil

Finally, a party member who is objectively good looking. Whereas all the other contenders focus on skills such as Strength or Dexterity or Cross-Examination, we have the king of Charm. Unfortunately, he’s going against the Demon King and the R’publicans, who are not only immune to Charm, but completely unaware of it.


Seth “I Promise He’s Real” Moulton

STR: 13
AGL: 12
CON: 15
INT: 8
WIS: 9
CHA: 7

Class: Barbarian
Alignment: Lawful Neutral

Seth Moulton announced he would join the party a long time ago but then he stopped returning our calls. Seth, are you coming? The DM has another open seat if you can get it.

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Ye Olde Mike Gravel

STR: 6
AGL: 7
CON: 5
INT: 8
WIS: 9
CHA: 11

Class: Cleric
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Slogan: “Every party needs a wisecracking grandpa.”


Howard Schultz, the Man of Means

STR: 8
AGL: 10
CON: 8
INT: 6
WIS: 4
CHA: 3

Class: Rogue
Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Nobody likes him. Nobody wants him. He has no ideas. He has no skills. He has no strengths. Naturally, this means he should be the Democratic Nominee [insert rimshot].

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Wayne “You’ll Have To Google Me” Massem

STR: 9
AGL: 9
CON: 15
INT: 9
WIS: 9
CHA: 9

Class: Fighter
Alignment: Lawful Neutral

He exists, I promise. That is all I know.


Steve “Also Exists” Bullock

STR: 11
AGL: 11
CON: 11
INT: 10
WIS: 8
CHA: 8

Class: Fighter
Alignment: True Neutral

Finally, the last potential candidate! I think I speak for everyone when I say we all can’t wait until the first tournament of champions so we can cull this list.

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